“Yes? Hello? This is Martijn van Dam speaking. From Holland! What is your name please? (…) I am sorry, please spell your name for me. (…) Aha. (…) Yes (…) Yes (…) Thank you! Well, as I said, this is Martijn van Dam calling. Do you know me? (…) No? Are you sure? You don’t know Martijn van Dam? That is very strange, because I am one of the inventers of the world famous Dutch cookie-law.
Yes, Martijn van Dam, from the Party of Work. Everybody on the internet knows Martijn van Dam! In Holland I am a respected member of parlement. (…) I beg your pardon? (…) No, that is the city of Holland, in the state of Michigan. I mean Holland, in Europe. (…) Yes. (…) No, that is Belgium. Holland lies above Belgium. (…) No, no, no, that is Denmark. Holland lies inbetween Belgium and Denmark. The Netherlands! Amsterdam! It is a rather small country. (…) Your collegue has been in Amsterdam? Ask him! (…) What does he say? (…) No, that is Luxemburg.
Well, never mind. I’m calling because of your website US Farmer dot com. Yes, your website! You are using tracking cookies and that is not allowed in the Netherlands. Did you know that? It is strictly prohibited and I must warn you: the OPTA will give you a fine of 450.000 euro’s when you keep on violating the Dutch cookie-law. (…) Yes, OPTA. (…) You don’t know OPTA? Everybody on the internet knows OPTA! They check if everybody obeys the Dutch cookie-law. OPTA! You want me to spell it for you? It is O, P, T, A. OPTA. (…) Yes. (…) No no, OPTA is not my name. My name is Martijn van Dam. I am a famous member of parlament. Ah, never mind. Listen, just listen to me. LISTEN TO ME!
I am currently at the OPTA headquarter. They have some difficulties in the Netherlands, so I am helping them a little bit. Well, they locked me up in a small room and told me: Martijn, call all the websites abroad, each and everyone of them. They won’t let me out before I have done that, okay? So don’t you dare to ignore the Dutch cookie-law! Otherwise OPTA will give you a fine of 450.000 euro. (…) Yes, of course I know you are living in the United States, but the Dutch cookie-law applies to the whole worldwide web. That means it also applies to US Farmer dot com (…) Yes, of course it’s a Dutch law! But people from Holland can visit your website too! Did you think about that? Is that so difficult to understand? (…) Yes, a Dutch law. (…) What do you mean ‘who the fuck cares?’ That is not a nice thing to say! Hello… Hello?“